I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
