airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
and you fell through a lawn chair
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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