life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
