I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can you bring me the toilet please
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
