Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
