I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
