So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
