He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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