sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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