My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
