"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
