yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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