Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
