i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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