I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Randomize
