...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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