I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
