Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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