I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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