The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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