my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
