You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
