we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
