U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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