I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm passing your future prison.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
