we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
