remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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