Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
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