At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
