Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
