Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
