Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
