wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
