Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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