had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
