the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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