Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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