Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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