as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
