Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I can text with my tongue
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
