meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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