his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The air was thick with penises
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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