he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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