The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
