shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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