I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
