Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
