What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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