So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
