i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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